BEN POPKEN IS JUST KIDDING
"A highly dependable anarchist."
I do the improv, write sketches, and take classes at UCBNY.
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ben@bpopken.com718-306-9088
Brooklyn, NY
Sketch: Clippy, The Helpful Bullet Clip
Our friend Will in Philly recently took my wife and I to a gun range for our first time. The owner there was incredibly helpful and informative as he walked us through the safety and firing instructions for the handgun we used. He always kept popping up with helpful info, “Kind of like Clippy!” my wife quipped later. That became the genesis for this sketch… First draft, let us know what you think!
CLIPPY, THE HELPFUL BULLET CLIP
BEN POPKEN
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE BEDROOM - NIGHT
GREG and TESS are in bed, getting sexy. ALLISON enters holding a gun. Tess screams.
ALLISON
You…jerk!
GREG
Allison! It’s not what you think!
ALLISON
It’s exactly what I think, my husband in bed with my best friend! I’m gonna kill you!
CLIPPY, an anthropomorphized bullet clip with giant eyes and eyebrows, enters.
CLIPPY
It looks like you’re trying to shoot someone, would you like some help?
ALLISON
What the…
CLIPPY
Hi! I’m Clippy. I’m here to help you shoot your gun.
ALLISON
Whoever you are, get out of here Clippy!
Allison turns her gun on Clippy.
GREG
“Clippy?” Who are you talking to?
Allison turns her gun on Greg.
ALLISON
Shutup jerk!
TESS
Oh my god…
CLIPPY
Hi! I’m Clippy! It looks like you’re suffering a psychotic break. Would you like some help?
Allison turns her gun on Clippy.
ALLISON
Go back to your stupid computer, or wherever you came from!
TESS
Oh my god, is she talking about that stupid paperclip from Microsoft Word?
GREG
Allison, I know it’s been stressful at the office, but I need you to put the gun down. I love you. I was weak, temporarily, but we can figure this out.
ALLISON
You love me?
CLIPPY
Hint! Did you know that-
ALLISON
Ahh!
Allison tries to shoot Clippy but the gun won’t fire.
CLIPPY
It looks like your safety is on. Try turning it to the “off” position, then pulling //the trigger.
Allison turns the safety off on the gun.
TESS
Get out of here you stupid bitch!
Allison swings her gun back to Greg and Tess and shoots them.
ALLISON
Why Greg, why did you have to cheat… oh no…
Allison cries.
ALLISON
Oh my god, the bodies. What am I going to do with these bodies?
Allison runs around frantically. She strips the sheets off the bed. She looks through the closet. She awkwardly moves the bodies around on the bed.
CLIPPY
Ahem.
ALLISON
Ahh!
Clippy taps twice on the nightstand.
CLIPPY
Hi! I’m Clippy! It looks like you’re trying to hide some bodies, would you like some help?
ALLISON
The hell, you’re still here, I thought I was just seeing things in the moment, shit Allison, you’re really going crackers now. Um, ok, maybe you’re like some part of my brain that knows how to do stuff, ok yes, I do want some help!
CLIPPY
Do you have two luggage trunks? Place the bodies inside, then drive them to the swamp.
ALLISON
I do have two trunks. That’s actually a really good idea.
Allison drags two trunks from under the bed and awkwardly stuffs the bodies inside. She stares at the sheets.
CLIPPY
Hint! To get blood out of sheets, first shampoo, then rinse, then rub with hydrogen peroxide.
ALLISON
Yeah, thanks. I think I remembering learning that in health class…
She stares at the trunks then sits down on a chair at a desk, puts her gun on the desk, and cries.
ALLISON
Oh my god, I’m a monster. A crazy monster. I can’t go on like this. I’m coming for you Greg!
Allison pulls paper and pen from out of the desk and begins writing. Clippy stares over her shoulder.
ALLISON
“To whoever finds this…” no… “Dear Mom….” no… “They say love is like a flower but in my garden there was a weed…” no…
Allison looks up at Clippy.
ALLISON
Well, Clippy, how do you start a suicide note?
CLIPPY
Do I look like a fucking paperclip to you?
BLACKOUT
(Photo: John Steel/Fotolia)
Notes Will Hines Emailed On Matt Besser’s Lecture On UCB-Style Improv
Will Hines edited and emailed around to UCB staff and players notes student Nick Feitel took of a recent lecture by Matt Besser on what he thinks should be UCB-style improv. Here’s most of that email, but there was an additional section on terminology that’s missing from the post. In the pursuit of spreading more improv knowledge to all who want it, here’s that part:
SEMANTICS
Besser is very particular and careful with semantics. He and Ian Roberts and Matt Walsh have been writing a book about the UCB Theory of Improv over the last few years, so they’ve thought a lot about the terms they use and have developed some new ones and thrown out ones we’ve previously used.
Two types-of long form improv:
ORGANIC (coming off just a suggestion, starting very small) and
PREMISE (coming off an opening, when we expect you’ll be initiating with a fuller idea)
BASE REALITY: that’s our term for who/what/where. The UCB likes this because the word BASE communicates how this is the foundation and REALITY communicates it should be grounded, intelligent and real.
UNUSUAL THING - the start of a game. Once we get a reaction to the UNUSUAL THING and maybe a JUSTIFICATION we tend to have our GAME
YES-AND — what you use to build your base reality, find an unusual thing/game. After you have a game, you don’t need to YES AND anymore.
IF THIS UNUSUAL THING IS TRUE, WHAT ELSE IS TRUE —- this is what the Latin phrase around our seal translates to. This is what we’d like to separate UCB from other schools. This is what you do after you’ve found game. You’re done yes-anding, you want to “if this unusual is true what else is true” now.
HEIGHTEN/EXPLORE — what you do after you’ve found your game.
HEIGHTEN means make the funny part MORE (intentionally vague as there’s no formula for this) —
EXPLORE means justify your heightening and see what it implies about your world. if you heighten without exploring it gets too crazy too fast and you run out of steam.
Terms that the UCB strongly dislike:
—RELATIONSHIP, MOTIVATION, EMOTION — anything that sounds like acting school theory, Besser tries to avoid especially when teaching. The concern here is you get distracted from making comedic scenes and instead make dramatic scenes. They prefer terms like TOP OF INTELLIGENCE, COMMIT TO REALITY, UNUSUAL THING.
—RAISE THE STAKES. A common phrase in other improv schools but the UCB decided that it’s wrong-headed, it encourages arbitrary choices that don’t necessarily serve the scene, liking making things in the white house or in space. Instead say WHAT IS ANOTHER FUNNY SITUATION FOR THIS?
next improv 401 class show 6/2
my Doug Moe 401 class is having another showtime
Sat Jun 2, 2012, 4:00pm EDT
UCB EAST
153 E. 3rd St. at Avenue A, New York Hizzy.
Billy Merritt's Improv Dance Party Pt2: Showing Up
Billy Merritt on committing in improv… to showing up. On time, every time. Best line: ”If you don’t show up, you will never be funny.”
Student Evaluation:
Great having you in class! You were funny, played smart, and had a great stage presence.
Sadly you missed two classes and the class show, so I really can’t give you specific notes because I haven’t seen enough of you in this class to see what you need to work on. You did just enough to get by.
Is that what you want to do? Just get by? Do you want to just be able to pull off a scene? Do you think doing just enough is going to get you on a Harold Team? A Maude Team? An Agent? A Gig? Paid?
No it won’t.
Next show 6/6 at Pacific Standard
Do you remember the holodeck from Star Trek? It was a virtual reality room onboard the Enterprise where any scenario could come to life, and every object created within was as solid as one in the real world. Kind of a perfect metaphor for a great improv scene, no? Well no wonder then that some clever people have seized upon it as a name for their monthly show “The Holodeck” at the Pacific Standard bar in Brooklyn. My improv group Not Smith will have the honor of playing there on 6/6 at 8pm.
Last night I volunteered from the audience to be interviewed by a guy in a horse outfit. He asked me what was it like meeting Morgan Freeman (I’ve never met that actor), to just riff on what dead people are like, and to describe myself in 2.5 words.
But besides when he made us dance together as if at a prom and then he confessed to me as his date that he was a rapist (see above photo), a really memorable moment was when he asked if it was World War II and I could kill Hitler by giving him a blowjob, would I?
“Of course,” I said, “to save millions of lives? Sure.”
The horse guy said, “Let’s give it up for a real hero! He would blow Hitler to save the world.”
I said, “I feel like I’m blowing Hitler right now.”
Show tonight 10pm Triple Crown
Getting those reps in.
The Broken Record: Notes from Matt Besser's NYC Workshop
Matt Besser was in town this weekend and made a stop at the UCB Theater to do an improv lecture/workshop… I took a bunch of notes…
- If your partner ignores the unusual thing you initiate with, they often are not playing to the top of their intelligence and are trying to be funny with their own unusual thing. If that happens, drop your idea and go with your partner’s because it’s the last thing said and the last thing the audience hears. Ideally, your partner is listening and playing to the top of their intelligence, reacting realistically to your unusual thing.
Ex: Initiation: I saw you weeping during Schindler’s List. Did you cry because you thought it was a documentary and the actors in it actually died?
Response: Did the Holocaust not really happen? (this is not playing to the top of their intelligence)
Response: What? I was crying because it’s a good movie about this atrocious event in our history and the actors did a wonderful job. (this is a response more in line with listening and playing to the top of our intelligence)…
2 Shows I’m In This Weekend
3/19 My Doug Moe 401 class has its first show at UCB East at 4pm.
3/20 Not Smith plays Froduce at The Creek at 7:30pm.
Sketch: The Foursquare Generation Gets Its First Job
(image: cambodia4kidsorg)
Last week, I found myself sitting at a cafe working and thinking, man, why aren’t I earning some loyalty or coupon points just by sitting here? The next idea from that was that everything is become so “appified” and “gamified” that we feel like unless we can get “check in” on our smartphones while doing an activity and earn points, it’s not worth doing. That, plus some recent personal experience in being one of the youngest people at a big ol corporate place, became the impetus and color for this sketch…
THE FOURSQUARE GENERATION GETS ITS FIRST JOB
BEN POPKEN
INT. TYLER’S CUBICLE - DAY
BRAD shows TYLER to his new desk. Tyler is tapping on his iPhone.
BRAD
So that’s about all you need to know about the office here at Maxconn. Someone from IT will be shortly to get you set up with a network login and on email. Any questions? Tyler?
TYLER
Sorry, Brad, just trying to find your guys’ app.
BRAD
Oh, we don’t have yet, but they’ve been talking about one for a while.
TYLER
How do I check in then?
BRAD
“Check in?”
TYLER
Yeah, you know, check in to work on my phone, unlock badges for completing projects…
BRAD
Like in Foursquare?
TYLER
Right. Keep track of my progress, compete with friends, you know, stay motivated.
BRAD
Well, I know we’re an electronics manufacturing services company, but we keep it pretty old-school in Accounts Receivable. You can check into the building on Foursquare, but beyond that, not really. That’s an interesting idea for a management tool, I’ll have to bring it up with HR.
TYLER
That’s so stupid. How am I supposed to know how I’m doing?
BRAD
Between quarterly performance reviews and the fact that we keep paying you to do the job that we hired you to do, I think the picture will be crystal clear. I’ll have Maria drop off the reports and you can get started entering the data.
Brad exits.
CUT TO: TYLER’S CUBICLE - DAY, LATER
Tyler sits at his desk with his computer, a stack of papers on the left and his iPhone on the right. He goes to pick up the first paper and it’s a herculean effort. Tyler tries to press the keys on the keyboard but finds it nearly impossible.
Tyler
Ugh…so hard to push the letters when I’m not getting any points…
Tyler’s iPhone dings. His eyes lurch over to the screen.
TYLER
Ooh! My Smurf garden is ready to be harvested!
Tyler quickly snatches up his phone and begins quickly touching and swiping on it.
CUT TO: INT. HR OFFICE - DAY
LINDA, the HR lady, sits at her desk across from Tyler in a chair.
LINDA
Brad tells me the new role might not be the best fit. He says you’re not happy your job isn’t more “appified,” and that you need more “gamification” in the workplace to stay focused. A new position has opened up. It involves a transfer to an offshore operation, but you’ll get to work more closely with your favorite product.
TYLER
Finally, someone gets me!
CUT TO: INT. MAXCONN IPHONE FACTORY DAY
An assembly line of CHINESE WORKERS busily build iPhones. Tyler holds a timecard. XIN shows Tyler to his new workstation. It has a timeclock and a soldering gun on it.
XIN
You’re the new guy corporate sent over. You will like it here. I know your type. You can check in…
Xin takes Tyler’s timecard and punches it in.
XIN
Get badges…
Xin puts a worker number badge on Tyler. Then Xin hands Tyler his soldering gun. Tyler looks confused.
XIN
And the best part: we pay you entirely in Facebook coins!
Tyler’s face brightens.
TYLER
I can’t wait to level up!
Tyler begins furiously assembling the iPhone circuit boards coming down the assembly line.
CUT TO: EXT. MAXCONN ROOF - DAY
CHINESE WORKER jumps off the roof and commits suicide.
TEXT: Achievement unlocked!
BLACKOUT
Originally I had him transferred to a coal mine and cheerily shoveling at the end. Which ending do you like better?
