Saw Daniel Webster’s statue today. Paid my respects and put a dictionary at the base of it.

You know how people say, “If I told you, I’d have to kill you?” Well there’s also, “if I told you, I’d have to kill me — because you’re so stupid and I would get so bored by the time I explained this basic idea that would have to commit suicide.

they say to lose weight you should use small plates, it tricks you into thinking you’re eating more because the plate looks fuller. for me it just makes me feel claustrophobic so i defend my territory by piling more food on.

We’re going to create the next future by aggressively mimicking the best and brightest, we call it “inno-mulation.”

If I had the choice of a mild, non world altering superpower, it would be the ability to sense whether a metrocard lying on the ground had any money left on it.

I chase my daily burger with a multivitamin so I’m healthy right?

Sick transit, Gloria.

(Source: misguidedpaeans)

Iron Shirts

I ironed 5 shirts on Sunday and then I had to take a sick day Monday. So I’m ahead 1 shirt for the workweek. All I have to do is repeat that for 15 weeks and all the shirts in my closet will be ironed.

Here’s my standup comedy set from last night. How’d I do?