Overheard between the checkout clerks: “If there was an annual purge, she would be the first to go.”

2much coffee

You know you’ve had too much coffee when a guy is eating an apple next to you and every bite he takes you can feel in your skin.

Whoever wins the sidewalk shuffle gets into heaven first.

pregnant Thomas the Tank Engine

If you cut up open the belly of a pregnant Thomas the Tank Engine, do a bunch of tiny toy trains spill out?

I love this spam I got this morning. I want to have to wear protective clothing in my daily life just so I have a good reason to rock this special seam sealing tape.

I love this spam I got this morning. I want to have to wear protective clothing in my daily life just so I have a good reason to rock this special seam sealing tape.

I only read articles with graphs in them if they’re either SPIKING or PLUNGING.

archercomedy:

Ultimate Life Hacks Compilation - Imgur

archercomedy:

Ultimate Life Hacks Compilation - Imgur

It’s racist if you ask Norwegians about their elves.

I’m a chronic masticater.

My son has a giant riding truck that I didn’t move out of the way despite stepping over it all night. My wife asked why and I said I didn’t see it. I blamed it in a maneurism.