knock knock bzz bzz

My mom and stepdad lived in North Carolina and had a really big yard they were always filling with stuff. Flowers, a garden, at one point my mom wanted to make a tiny maze in it. Then they wanted some animals so they checked out the town rules. You can get 4 chickens, for the eggs, one sheep, they wanted that for the dog to chase, and thousands of bees. But you have to go around to your neighbors and tell them hey, is it cool if I raise a cloud of tiny flying insects with a needle on their ass ovet the fence from you? 

I like to imagine though it’s the bees who have to notify everyone. Knock knock bzz bzz hi, I’m a bee and I’m required by federal law to inform you that I’m moving into your neighborhood. I’m a registered pollen offender. So just FYI if there’s any flowers in your card, I’m probably going to hump them. But unlike a registered sex offender, if a bee molests the little flowers you’re raising, they’ll grow up to be beautiful blossoms, instead of horribly stunted.

Saw Daniel Webster’s statue today. Paid my respects and put a dictionary at the base of it.

You know how people say, “If I told you, I’d have to kill you?” Well there’s also, “if I told you, I’d have to kill me — because you’re so stupid and I would get so bored by the time I explained this basic idea that would have to commit suicide.

they say to lose weight you should use small plates, it tricks you into thinking you’re eating more because the plate looks fuller. for me it just makes me feel claustrophobic so i defend my territory by piling more food on.

We’re going to create the next future by aggressively mimicking the best and brightest, we call it “inno-mulation.”

If I had the choice of a mild, non world altering superpower, it would be the ability to sense whether a metrocard lying on the ground had any money left on it.

I chase my daily burger with a multivitamin so I’m healthy right?

Sick transit, Gloria.

(Source: misguidedpaeans)

Iron Shirts

I ironed 5 shirts on Sunday and then I had to take a sick day Monday. So I’m ahead 1 shirt for the workweek. All I have to do is repeat that for 15 weeks and all the shirts in my closet will be ironed.