Iron Shirts

I ironed 5 shirts on Sunday and then I had to take a sick day Monday. So I’m ahead 1 shirt for the workweek. All I have to do is repeat that for 15 weeks and all the shirts in my closet will be ironed.

Here’s my standup comedy set from last night. How’d I do?

I’m doing my first standup comedy in 13 years tonight

Just an open mic and not memorized but I put together a set and I’m going to go do it!

I canceled last month and had a big presentation to make this week (which I was on the cusp of canceling the night before) and didn’t think I would have any time to do this standup show I signed up for last month. But lately I’ve been setting deadlines and just trying to meet them no matter what even if it’s not my best it’s still something decent and somehow I pulled it off in both cases. Well not somehow, in both cases my wife gave much-needed last-minute encouragement and editing.

I’m also trying to get better about this. When making stuff, embrace despair. It’s the moment when your fantasy about what you’ll do slams into reality and you fall into a terrible puddle of death. But if you can muddle through then you can get the necessary work done with the resources at hand and it’s going to be okay.

Have you seen that new McDonald’s ad? Basically all these people experience a series of minor inconveniences throughout their daily life and this woman pops up to hand them a chocolate mcfrappe and they’re all better. Dryer shrink your sweater? Movie sell out while you’re in line? Here, drink a third of your recommended daily caloric intake through a straw.

Honestly, though, I wanted the commercial to keep going. What else could a frappe solve?

Like we see this woman with straggly hair and a bunch of unopened mail and cereal bowls.  Then we see her check her email and it’s from this guy she used to see in college. She smiles.

Then we see them at dinner and laughing and we see them walking and talking. Then they’re at his doorway and she shakes her head. Then she smiles and shakes it up and down and they’re at his place and we see shrugging her shoulders to accept a second glass of wine.

Then they’re looking at all these really cool photographs he has up on his walls, and then she’s pointing down the hallway, and she’s like left, or right and he’s like left but then then she’s go right because she’s kind of tipsy.

She’s adjusting her earrings and she opens the door and instead of the bathroom it’s a room full of pressure cookers and nails and bomb parts.

She sighs.

Then we cut to her naked in bed with him post coitus making a “merp face and she’s sucking on a frappe. The voiceover kicks in. “Any moment can be made better with the latest amazing creation from McCafe. The new chocolate covered strawberry frappe.” Ba da ba ba ba!

Has anyone ever actually met the stairmaster?

Kesha drops dollar sign from her name - is that because of the recession?

In another sign of the down economy, Kesha has apparently dropped the dollar sign from her name.

UCB's Sketchy Advice: Achilles Stamatelaky


Sketchy Advice: A comedy writing column from UCB Comedy. Established sketch writers from the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre offer sketch students advice on being creative, the writing process, and adding to a writer’s room.

This week’s featured writer is Achilles Stamatelaky, a writer for…


I can’t wait for Kohl’s to appropriate normcore.

Alright, alright, alrightMatthew McConaughey just gave the most Matthew McConaughey Oscar Best Actor acceptance speech ever.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you to the Academy for this—all 6,000 members. Thank you to the other nominees. All these performances were impeccable in my opinion. I didn’t see a false note anywhere. I want to thank Jean-Marc Vallée, our director. Want to thank Jared Leto, Jennifer Garner, who I worked with daily.

There’s a few things, about three things to my account that I need each day. One of them is something to look up to, another is something to look forward to, and another is someone to chase. Now, first off, I want to thank God. ‘Cause that’s who I look up to. He has graced my life with opportunities that I know are not of my hand or any other human hand. He has shown me that it’s a scientific fact that gratitude reciprocates. In the words of the late Charlie Laughton, who said, “When you’ve got God, you got a friend. And that friend is you.”

To my family, that who and what I look forward to. To my father who, I know he’s up there right now with a big pot of gumbo. He’s got a lemon meringue pie over there. He’s probably in his underwear. And he’s got a cold can of Miller Lite and he’s dancing right now. To you, Dad, you taught me what it means to be a man. To my mother who’s here tonight, who taught me and my two older brothers… demanded that we respect ourselves. And what we in turn learned was that we were then better able to respect others. Thank you for that, Mama. To my wife, Camila, and my kids Levi, Vida and Mr. Stone, the courage and significance you give me every day I go out the door is unparalleled. You are the four people in my life that I want to make the most proud of me. Thank you.

And to my hero. That’s who I chase. Now when I was 15 years old, I had a very important person in my life come to me and say “who’s your hero?” And I said, “I don’t know, I gotta think about that. Give me a couple of weeks.” I come back two weeks later, this person comes up and says “who’s your hero?” I said, “I thought about it. You know who it is? It’s me in 10 years.” So I turned 25. Ten years later, that same person comes to me and says, “So, are you a hero?” And I was like, “not even close. No, no, no.” She said, “Why?” I said, “Because my hero’s me at 35.” So you see every day, every week, every month and every year of my life, my hero’s always 10 years away. I’m never gonna be my hero. I’m not gonna attain that. I know I’m not, and that’s just fine with me because that keeps me with somebody to keep on chasing.

So, to any of us, whatever those things are, whatever it is we look up to, whatever it is we look forward to, and whoever it is we’re chasing, to that I say, “Amen.” To that I say, “Alright, alright, alright.” To that I say “just keep living.” Thank you.

Help the feckless youth

Instead of everyone always complaining about the “feckless youth,” how about you do something about it and help them? Contribute to a chairty, put out a donation box at the office, or volunteer at a feck kitchen. In this country, in this era, with all the SUV’s, susidies and supercomputers we have, there’s no reason any youth should go to sleep tonight lacking in feck.