I can’t wait for the next stage of the World Cup where East Germany plays West Germany.

Jargon watch - Faux normcore: Someone who wears white Reebok with beige elastic waistband slacks, an ACDC concert t-shirt and a FitBit. AKA ‘foamcore.’

I put a red dishcloth over my coffee grinder to muffle it so it doesn’t wake up my kid. It looks like a sheikh. I call it Lawrence of Arabica.

How McDonald’s terrifyingly toothy new mascot represents the death of metaphor.

Everything you need to know about the obesity crisis in America is contained in the word “breakfast.”

I wonder if Zac Efron reads Nora Ephron and is like damn, for some reason I really relate to this.

Instead of “antiperspirant,” I thought the bottle said “antidepressant spray.” That was a disappointing basketball game.

Sherpa shortage

you hear about this avalanche at everest? Terrible thing. Huge chunk of mountain fell off, killing a 13 sherpas. Now some of them are saying they’re going to boycott Everest. There could be a sherpa shortage. Those guys aren’t even that big to begin with. And now there’s even less of them.

knock knock bzz bzz

My mom and stepdad lived in North Carolina and had a really big yard they were always filling with stuff. Flowers, a garden, at one point my mom wanted to make a tiny maze in it. Then they wanted some animals so they checked out the town rules. You can get 4 chickens, for the eggs, one sheep, they wanted that for the dog to chase, and thousands of bees. But you have to go around to your neighbors and tell them hey, is it cool if I raise a cloud of tiny flying insects with a needle on their ass ovet the fence from you? 

I like to imagine though it’s the bees who have to notify everyone. Knock knock bzz bzz hi, I’m a bee and I’m required by federal law to inform you that I’m moving into your neighborhood. I’m a registered pollen offender. So just FYI if there’s any flowers in your card, I’m probably going to hump them. But unlike a registered sex offender, if a bee molests the little flowers you’re raising, they’ll grow up to be beautiful blossoms, instead of horribly stunted.

Saw Daniel Webster’s statue today. Paid my respects and put a dictionary at the base of it.