It’s racist if you ask Norwegians about their elves.

I’m a chronic masticater.

My son has a giant riding truck that I didn’t move out of the way despite stepping over it all night. My wife asked why and I said I didn’t see it. I blamed it in a maneurism.

I can’t wait for the next stage of the World Cup where East Germany plays West Germany.

Jargon watch - Faux normcore: Someone who wears white Reebok with beige elastic waistband slacks, an ACDC concert t-shirt and a FitBit. AKA ‘foamcore.’

I put a red dishcloth over my coffee grinder to muffle it so it doesn’t wake up my kid. It looks like a sheikh. I call it Lawrence of Arabica.

How McDonald’s terrifyingly toothy new mascot represents the death of metaphor.

Everything you need to know about the obesity crisis in America is contained in the word “breakfast.”

I wonder if Zac Efron reads Nora Ephron and is like damn, for some reason I really relate to this.

Instead of “antiperspirant,” I thought the bottle said “antidepressant spray.” That was a disappointing basketball game.